The First Time Ever I Saw Your Face

I promised awhile back to give some insight into how we found Zachary on a waiting child list. I've had a hard time figuring out how to put this into words because it's a twisty journey that has been years in the making.  Any time I try to explain it comes out jumbled.  There are a lot of things that the Holy Spirit spoke to our heart, which is just supremely difficult to put into words.

I'm reminded of Isaiah 30:20 "You will hear a voice behind you saying, "This is the way.  Follow it whether it turns to the right or to the left."

That's exactly how this adoption journey has played out.  We have heard His voice, sometimes quietly after much time on our knees in prayer, seeking guidance, waiting.  At other times so plainly and clearly that it knocked the breath right out of us and we just had to sit in awe of how God's sovereign hand was leading.  But we have tried to listen to His voice behind us, following it to the right or left, no matter how crazy those paths might seem.

Because we are human we have failed.  A lot.  We are so flawed and feel completely unworthy.  We've bungled up His message, tried to steer the course our own way, and questioned His plan many, many times.  But He is so gracious.  "He raises the poor from the dust and lifts the needy from the ash heap."- Psalm 113:7

And so God has lovingly steered our course as we've tried to listen to His voice and be obedient.  It became clear to us a few months ago that God was asking us to MOVE.  To take a step forward in faith and to trust that he would be there to catch us.  I've already explained in previous posts about how it didn't make sense to us.  Yes, we love orphans.  Yes, we've always wanted to adopt.  But later, you know.  After our two toddlers had gotten out of our hair a bit and started school.  Once we were past the diaper changes, food throwing, and tantrums.

We've been praying for waiting children for a few years.  It is important to us, and so adoption and orphans are topics that come up in prayer in our household on a daily basis.  One night, back in the summer, Josh was doing his bedtime devotional with Asher, when he asked Asher two questions:  What is he thankful for, and what does he want to tell God tonight?  Asher said he was thankful for his fire truck.  And then he said he wanted to ask God for a brother.  Uh oh.

"Daddy, do you think God will give us a brother?"

Josh gave a politically correct answer, something along the lines of maybe one day, wouldn't that be nice.  But he explained that we weren't planning on having any more kids anytime soon and we didn't know if that is what God wanted us to do, or if he really wanted to grow our family through adoption.  So probably not now.  It was up to God whether we adopted and we didn't know if God wanted us to have more kids in our family.

Asher sat there for a second and then said, "Well, you won't know unless you ask.  We have to ask!"  And so Asher prayed and asked God to bring a brother who didn't have a mommy or daddy to our home so he could be part of our family.  Josh was convicted...and in that moment he felt God say to him...so are you going to ask?

For the next few months we asked.  We asked every day and every night.  We sought God's wisdom on if and when he wanted us to adopt.  There is no other way to describe it except that we were burdened.  Where did he call us to adopt from?  And now Lord?  Really??

In separate and joint prayer, on many different occasions, we continued to get the same answer.  MOVE.  But we didn't.  We weren't sure what to do.  We were confused.  Does move mean now or later?  We were being completely disobedient and letting our fears and worries talk us out of taking a step forward.  Like Jonah running from Ninevah.

One night I was praying for a little girl I had seen on a waiting child list for a Foster home in China.  As I was praying I was reminded of a question I had asked a missionary years ago on a missions blog.  At that time we were struggling with where God had called us- to the missions field, to adoption?  Are they exclusive?  If we adopted would that mean we couldn't be international missionaries if the opportunity presented?  For some reason it was a hang up and so I had asked a question on a general missions forum years ago about how to balance the two desires.  No one ever responded and I got pregnant with Laurel and forgot all about it.

But now I remembered.  And I felt a urgency to go back and read my question again.  I found the website and scrolled to the question section, wondering if mine would still be there years later.  Then at the bottom, I found it.  It had been answered over a year ago by a woman who had returned from China after working in a foster home for abandoned children with medical needs.  She said that she needed to encourage me with the truth that these children are waiting for families.  That if we truly felt a call in our heart to adopt, to follow it, because she had seen face to face the suffering of these children without families.  That they needed the love of a family and to hear about Jesus' love.  That being a "missionary" and an adoptive parent are not mutually exclusive.  In fact, they go hand in hand...maybe this is our missions field.  And she posted a link to her own blog, where a little orphaned girl living at the foster home had written a letter describing the feeling of waiting for a family.  She asked me to read it.

I clicked on the link and there she was, the girl I had just been praying for on the waiting child list.

 She was the one who had written the letter.  The woman who answered my question over a year ago had worked at the exact same foster home in China that had been on my heart and in my prayers.  The little girl I had been praying for only moments ago was literally speaking to me in this letter...and she said to not wait.  To please come.

I just sat there and wept.

I was blubbering for 10 minutes before I was able to communicate to Josh what had just happened!  And then we prayed and felt like we needed to move now.  So I emailed the woman who had answered my question, I told her about how I had been praying for the foster home she had volunteered at, how she asked me to read her blog post over a year ago and that I had just now found it.  We told her that we felt God was asking us to take a step towards adoption.  She contacted me within minutes and was overjoyed!  She remembered reading my question years ago and thinking it was ironic that someone was asking about adoption on a missions forums.  She was passionate about adoption after her work in China and felt like God had asked her to share that letter with me.  She gave us names of representatives in China to speak to, people who worked with this foster home and surrounding areas and knew the greatest need.  The little girl we had been praying for was much older and had found an adoptive family.  But there were others still waiting.  One thing led to another and we were directed to a specific waiting child list...a group of children who had been waiting for over 6 months, who had more needs.  The special focus list.

When I first saw his face he was standing up in a crib, head tilted to the side, smiling.  His smile was like sunshine and immediately my heart started beating faster.  Right next to his picture was a list of his medical needs.  My initial thoughts were, "Oh sweet boy, we can't be the ones for you."

But the next day we were looking at his picture again.  We were drawn to this little boy and his story.  We started praying.  Josh suggested we request his medical file and go from there.

We requested his file and read about his needs.  We also found out we would be breaking birth order to adopt him.

And then we said no.

That's right...after all of this, we said no.  We slammed the door shut so fast that God couldn't get a word in otherwise.  No way could we do this, no way were we going to be able to handle this, afford this, no way would we move forward.

I'm so glad that God is gracious, slow to anger and abounding in love.  We felt no peace about our decision.  NO PEACE.  For weeks we were hounded by our Heavenly Father.  I have so many examples it is almost humorous.   In one instance that was incredibly bizarre, we were away on vacation in the mountains and exploring Linville Caverns.  We had been talking in the car on the way over about Zachary...weighing our options even though we had already said no.  He was heavy on our hearts.  We promised to talk about it more after we had finished sightseeing for the day.  As we explored the gift shop at the Caverns a group of about 20 children came pouring in.  They were all Chinese, chatting fluently in Mandarin and running happily through the store.  Let me just be frank...we hadn't seen much racial diversity during our stay!  I gave Josh an incredulous look.  As we were turning to leave I felt a tap on my arm and turned around to see a little Chinese boy holding a turtle.  "Hi!  Do I have enough money for this?"  He asked me in broken English.  He held out his souvenir and a $5 bill.  "Why yes I said, as I looked at the turtle's price tag, you certainly do!" "Yes?" he asked again, his head nodding.  "Yes" we said.  He gave us the biggest smile and ran away.  I had a feeling I had just answered yes to a much bigger question.

We prayed on our knees for wisdom.  We searched the Bible for anything to justify our previous answer, anything to help uphold our decision to walk away from adopting Zachary.  God's word came back with this:

Psalms 82:3-4 - Defend the cause of the weak and fatherless; maintain the rights of the poor and oppressed. Rescue the weak and needy; deliver them from the hand of the wicked.

James 1:27 - Pure and genuine religion in the sight of God the Father means caring for orphans and widows in their distress and refusing to let the world corrupt you.

Galatians 4:4-6 But when the set time had fully come, God sent his Son, born of a woman, born under the law, to redeem those under the law, that we might receive adoption to sonship. Because you are his sons, God sent the Spirit of his Son into our hearts, the Spirit who calls out, “Abba, Father.”

Psalms 68:5-6 - Father to the fatherless, defender of widows — this is God, whose dwelling is holy. God places the lonely in families.

Psalms 10:18 - Defend the fatherless and the oppressed, in order that man, who is of the earth, may terrify no more.

Psalms 10:14,17-18  - You are the helper of the fatherless. LORD, You have heard the desire of the humble; You will prepare their heart; You will cause Your ear to hear, To do justice to the fatherless and the oppressed, That the man of the earth may oppress no more.

Isaiah 1:17 - Learn to do good. Seek justice. Help the oppressed. Defend the cause of orphans. Fight for the rights of widows.

Deuteronomy 10:17-18 - He defends the cause of the fatherless and the widow, and loves the alien, giving him food and clothing.

Proverbs 31:8-9 - Speak up for those who cannot speak for themselves; ensure justice for those being crushed. Yes, speak up for the poor and helpless, and see that they get justice.

Matthew 18:5 - And anyone who welcomes a little child like this on my behalf is welcoming me.

Matthew 25:40 - I tell you the truth, when you did it to one of the least of these my brothers and sisters, you were doing it to me!

Hosea 14:3 - In You the orphan finds mercy.

Exodus 22:22-23 - Never take advantage of any widow or orphan. If you do and they cry out to me, you can be sure that I will hear their cry.

Romans 8:14-16 - For as many as are led by the Spirit of God, these are sons of God. For you did not receive the spirit of bondage again to fear, but you received the Spirit of adoption by whom we cry out, "Abba, Father."

Job 29:12 - I rescued the poor who cried for help, and the fatherless who had none to assist him.

He lovingly took our No and turned it into a YES.  He took our fears and worries and showed us truth.  We had fallen in love with a little boy in China, and God in His sovereignty had been orchestrating it, step by step, for years.

I don't know if any of that made sense.  How can I put into words things that are so personal to our spiritual walk?  But I wanted to try. I wrote down birth stories for both Asher and Laurel after they were born, but I don't have the privilege of knowing Zachary's birth story.  I wish so much that he could know his story.  If our world wasn't broken then perhaps he would have been able to sit down, face to face with his mother, and hear the story of how he was brought into the world.  Instead he will have only bits and pieces...and this.  I write this story so that one day Zachary will know the amazing journey that led us to his beautiful face.  And to praise God for never giving up on us. No matter how much we mess up, He is faithful.

(The first picture we saw of Zachary)