Truth and Love

I almost titled this post "life after adoption".  But I decided to just tell the truth, in love.

Nothing is quite like the spiritual high of obedience.  Hearing God's call, seeing him move mountains and work miracles to bring your child home.  Walking step by step with Him through one of the most precious commands in the Bible (James 1:27).  He is real.  He is there- you can feel him and hear him and the joy in that is overwhelming.

But after a spiritual high, we often face a valley.  I am convinced that the valley is where God truly meets us.  Where he refines and whittles our coal-like faith into something that resembles gold.  This is where obedience meets suffering, and where sanctification is won.

I love adoption.  I can't imagine a better example of God's redemptive love on the cross.  But just as the cross required death, so too does adoption.  And death is painful.

We've walked a beautifully broken road this past year with our sweet Zachary.  At times it has felt so heavy- the burden of his past, the weight of his physical limitations, the lack of answers.

I've found myself dropped into a world filled with attachment issues, medical appointments, and disabilities.  I've felt so unequipped to be here, in this foreign place.  So much harder than two weeks in China is this vast wilderness of special needs parenting.

And yet, this is exactly where God has called us.  And the lessons we've only just begun to learn are priceless.  

Watching the way my Zachary has fought to survive has changed me.  Everything is harder for him- everything!  And yet he wakes up each day with a smile on his face.  He persistently chases after his brother and sister, even though his awkward crawl leaves him in the dust.  He painstakingly shovels food in his mouth with clenched fists, determined to eat regardless of the challenges.  He faces the world with fresh optimism, despite the fact that he spent four years of his life in a metal crib looking out barred windows.

And so, it is hard.  I've let myself wallow in the grief of his reality, in the complications of our new life.  I've often failed to face the day with the joy and optimism that my faith calls me to.  I've  lost my way at times in this valley of exhaustion.  I've let anxiety about the future stop me in my tracks.  

But God has met me here.  And he is walking with me step by step back up the mountain.  I am determined to mine these rocks from the valley and raise them as stones of remembrance to the deep faith that's been forged here.

Yes, the mountaintop is high, you almost feel like you're touching heaven.  But the valley is low, and its reward is beautiful, for Jesus himself said it is the humble who see God.  

Let us be mindful of this gift of life and never waste it.

Another Year

We've been celebrating Josh's birthday all weekend long.  I can't express with words how amazing he is- both as a father and a husband.  He is a godly, wonderful man.

What an adventure we've been on in our life together already.  This past year has been its own kind of crazy...I am so thankful for his love and leadership.  Happy Birthday, Josh!!

Picture updates!

Get ready for a ton of Zachary photos- it's been forever- I have to catch up on a few things we've been up to this summer.

 He loves the piano- any music!

First Independence Day! 

Cutie

First Dentist appointment (lots of tartar from years of no brushing, but no cavaties!)

He got up there all by himself :)

Brother love

First Chickfila cow appreciation day

Grammy and G-gma

Exploring the lake

Splash pad fun!

 

Love these three so much!

9 months later

It's been 9 months since Zachary joined our family.

Five and a half years since he was born.

It seems like ages ago that we stood in that hot, cramped, civil affairs office and welcomed a scared and numb little boy into our arms.

Compared to the years he spent in an orphanage, Zachary's time with has been so short.  And each day we are learning more about him.  He has changed so much!

But we are the ones who have truly changed.

I think about the children we left behind.  Some banging their heads in cribs.  Some clinging to our legs as we walked around, desperate for our attention.  Nannies advocating for children, "Please tell your friends how well we take care of our children.  Tell them to come.  Tell them to adopt."

Honestly, as these months have unfolded the last thing I wanted to tell anyone was to "come".

The process is tough.  It is costly.  It is excruciating at times.  It is not for everyone, and it is not easy.

But I'm telling you now.  If you've thought about it.  If you're on the fence.  If you wonder how you'll survive it, are afraid how it will change your life.  It's ok.  You can do it.  God goes before you.

That's the only thing I can truly promise you.

Because it will be hard.  Looking into the face of orphans, walking with them through their hurt, suffering, and pain, is HARD.

It will shatter you. Your feet may fail.

But there will be joy!  And the joy of the Lord is your strength to stand.

And one day- 2 months, 9 months, 5 years later- you will realize that you are completely changed.  And your love is fuller, richer, deeper.  And you couldn't imagine your life apart from it- the hurt and the joy.  They are woven into the fabric of your family, and you are so much better for it.

HOME

I'll have to transfer all my FB posts of our time in China to the blog, but we are officially home with Zachary!

I loved the opportunity to see China and take in a bit of Zachary's culture.  We adored the authentic cuisine- oh noodle house how we miss you!  Zachary misses the congee every morning.  I was appreciative of the hospitality of the Chinese people.  Of the beauty of a country of billions somehow making it all look effortless.  I'll miss the friendships we made while in China- other families who just get it.  Who are walking the exact same road and somehow have immediate fellowship with eachother.

I will not miss being away from my other kids.  I will never be sad to wake up in America- so full of opportunity and freedom.  I will not miss the smell of cigarette smoke, pollution, and sewage in the air.  The dirtiness of the streets.  Perhaps that's par for the course in any big city...but it certainly made me grateful for NC.  We have it so good.  We are blessed and spoiled and so so fortunate to live in the abundance that we do.

I'll never be the same because of what I saw and heard.  I hope I never forget.  I hope I can do something with what I've been given, because it is honestly too much.

As for Zachary- he is doing well!  I'll be honest in saying that the reality of his delays did not hit us full force until we saw him.  You can know it in your head, but knowing it in your heart takes time.  

In many ways he is so much more than we imagined.  His smile is bigger, his laugh is sweeter, his hugs are perfect.  He is a lover.  We are completely smitten!

But he has also suffered so much from his medical conditions and life in an institution.  His body is stiff and weak. His head rolls around a bit when he's tired and his eyes can't always focus.  He doesn't understand much of what we say- I wonder how much he ever will.

And we love him.  We can't wait to see how our life unfolds with him in it.  Zachary Jude Yuanjin Brown has a forever home!  Thank you Lord for allowing us to be your hands and feet in this small way.  

Please Read - so important as we come home

Dear Family & Friends,  

After 12 months of waiting, praying, longing, hoping--- little Zachary is on his way home! We are overjoyed at God's grace, but we also realize this will be a season of adjustment for our family. We know that each of you reading this letter has-- in some way-- supported, loved and prayed for us. Because we know your care for Zachary and our family, we want to share with you some information that we hope will best equip everyone around him to assist us in laying the strongest and healthiest foundation – emotionally, physically and spiritually.

In many ways, Zachary will be like the children who entered our family through birth; we will seek to bring all of them up in the instruction and discipline of the Lord. But there will be a few, initial differences in the way we have parented in the past. 

We are confident of this: God’s design is PERFECT! His plan for parents and children is a beautiful and meaningful picture of His love for us. Attachment between a parent and child occurs over time when a baby has a physical or emotional need and communicates that need. The primary caretaker (usually mommy) meets the need and soothes the child. This repeats between a parent and child over and over to create trust within the child for that parent; the baby is hungry, cries in distress, mom nurses & calms the baby – which teaches her that this person is safe and can be trusted. By God’s very design, an emotional foundation is laid in the tiniest of babies, which will affect their learning, conscience, growth and future relationships. The security provided by parents will, ultimately, give children a trust for and empathy towards others.

Children who come home through adoption have experienced interruptions in this typical attachment process. The loss of a biological mother and father at an early age can be a major trauma on their little hearts. Zachary has experienced the loss of familiar and comforting caretakers as well as the sights, smells, and language of his birth country. When Zachary comes home, he will be overwhelmed. Everything around him will be new and he will need to learn not just about his new environment, but also about love and family. He has not experienced God’s design for a family having lived in an orphanage setting. His world is turned upside down. He may struggle with feeling safe and secure and he may lack the ability to trust that we will meet his needs. The good news is that we can now, as Zachary's parents and forever family, rebuild attachment and help him heal from these emotional wounds.

The best way for us to form a parent/child bond is to be the ones to hold, snuggle, instruct, soothe and feed him. As this repeats between us, he will be able to learn that Mom and Dad are safe to trust and to love deeply. We are, essentially, recreating the newborn/parent connection. Once Zachary starts to establish this important bond, he will then be able to branch out to other, healthy relationships. Zachary will have, what may seem like, a lot of structure, boundaries and close proximity to us. Although it may appear that we are spoiling him at times, we have been advised that it is best that we meet every need quickly and consistently. He may show his grief and confusion in many ways, and we are prepared to help him through it and prove that we are a forever family. You may also notice us tighten our circle a bit, stay close to home, and we may seem a little less available socially, for a while. Please know that these decisions are prayerfully and thoughtfully made choices based on our personal research and instruction from trusted adoption mentors. We will be doing what we believe is best to help him heal from those interruptions in attachment as effectively as possible. 

Why are we telling you all of this? Because you will actually play an awesome and vital role in helping our Zachary settle in, heal, and lay a foundation for the future. There are a few areas in which you can help us:

The first is to set physical boundaries. We cannot WAIT to see some of you at the airport when we arrive home!! Keep in mind...It will help us immensely if adults limit what is typically considered normal, physical contact with Zachary  This will (for a while) include things like holding, hugging and kissing. Children from orphanage settings are prone to attach too easily to anyone and everyone – which hinders the important, primary relationship with parents. Waving, blowing kisses or high fives are perfectly appropriate and welcomed! Zachary should know that the people with whom he interacts are our trusted family and friends. He is going to love each and every one of you!! :)

Another area is redirecting Zachary's desire to have his physical and emotional needs met by anyone (including strangers) to having us (Josh and I) meet those needs. Orphans often have so many caretakers that they, as a survival mechanism, become overly charming toward all adults. A child struggling to learn to attach may exhibit indiscriminate affection with people outside of their family unit. It may appear harmless and as if they are “very friendly” but this is actually something that isn’t good for the child. To share this is difficult for us because you have openly loved on our other children and we have loved on yours as well, and treasure that connection. Please understand that we want nothing more than to have Zachary hugged, cuddled and cherished by ALL of you. But until he has a firm understanding of family and primary attachments, we would be so grateful if you direct him to us if you see that he is seeking out food, affection or comfort.

Also, please feel free to ask us any questions at any time. We are learning too, and are grateful that you are seeking with us to help Zachary feel loved, safe, and secure. We are incredibly blessed to have so many loved ones around us. We couldn’t ask for a better extended family & circle of friends for our sweet boy.  Thank you so much for your love and support over the past year. We are truly blessed!

We look forward to seeing you all once we arrive home!!!

Blessings,

Josh and Rene 

Forever Family Day

"Not flesh of my flesh, nor bone of my bone- but still miraculously my own.

Don't forget for a single minute, you didn't grow under my heart, but in it."

We love you forever, Zachary Jude Yuanjin Brown.

Mixed

My heart is filled with a mix of joy and despair tonight.

Two hours down the road in a town called Zhuhai, Zachary is spending his last night in an orphanage.

My heart leaps for joy at the thought that our precious boy will no longer sleep alone.  That he will always have someone to rock him and sing to him, give kisses, and pray over him as he falls asleep.  His future is full of love and hope.

But I am also filled with a deep sadness.  Because this is the last night that Zachary will spend in an orphanage, and that change is going to rock his little world.

In our adoption training they basically encouraged us to view "gotcha day" as similar to kidnapping.  At first that might seem harsh- we've prayed and waited so long, spent over a year on complicated paperwork, and flew half a world away to meet our son!  But...this is pretty much going to look like kidnapping to Zachary.

Two white people, whom he has never seen before and can not understand, will come in and take him back to a hotel never to return to the life he's always known.

An orphanage might be a cold and lonely place to live.  But it has been his home.

A few caring nannies can never give the kind of love and attention that a full time Mom and Dad can.  But this is who he loves.

And he doesn't know that there is redemption and hope and love ahead for him.  We pray that God will heal the broken places in his heart, that he will give Zachary peace and joy as he realizes  we are a family, but there is no guarantee.

The ony guarantee is that there will be grieving and fear and sadness tomorrow as Zachary comes to us.  And God will meet us there.  He will carry us through this and walk with us on a journey of healing and hope.

So tonight we are excited.  And nervous. And sad.  And joyful.  I guess you could say that's life.  

"The thief comes only to steal and kill and destroy. I came that they may have life and have it abundantly." - John 10:10

Traveling Realities

We had big plans yesterday for touring but instead our bodies told us we needed to take it easy.  Jetlag has been an issue...waking up at 2am and unable to go back to sleep...making ourselves stay awake until 7pm..it's kind of hilarious.  

We did get out and walk around the city and visited a few gardens.  It was a beautiful day and we really enjoyed just soaking up the sunshine.  

Everyone here smokes.  I think the streets smell like cigarette smoke and it is impossible to avoid it as you walk around, so that's different.  Also, we've been without a guide all weekend since we came in early and it's been a little challenging.  We are definitely first time world travelers!  Google translate is wonderful if you can get on wifi!

We ate at a German restaurant yesterday.  Yummy potato noodles, meatballs and veggies.  It was delicious, but I've been having some tummy issues since then so I'll be keeping it bland today.

We are so grateful for the chance to experience a bit of China and take in Zachary's culture.  It is beautiful, all these people whom Jesus loves.  What a privilege to be here.  

Overall we are having fun and are ready to get Zachary.  One more day to go!!  We do paperwork in the morning and then meet him at 3pm at the Civil Affairs office. (It'll be 3am on Sunday for y'all so when you wake up Mon morning we should have him!)

Traveling to China

We officially made it to China yesterday at 3pm!  What a journey it has already been, we are so thankful to be here.  Praise God for keeping us healthy as we prepared to travel and for landing safely in Guangzhou.  

We got up early on Wed morning and woke the kids so they could come to the Airport with us. They were excited about seeing planes and coming with us, so that took a bit of the edge off of our goodbyes.  I tried to stay strong for them and give lots of hugs and kisses- but once they walked around the corner I pretty much lost it.  It is so hard to leave them...we already miss them so very much...thankful for amazing family to take care of them until we come home!

So the flying was an adventure :). I'm not a huge fan of air travel anyway...so take this with a grain of salt...but that flight was LONG.  Like 'I wasn't sure if we would ever make it to China because we've been on this plane our entire lives' long.  Still, we were incredibly thankful to be on it because we nearly missed it!  Our conmecting flight to JFK was delayed for over 1.5 hours due to "fuse and engine problems".  That was not inspiring confidence in us, lol.  They had to call maintenance to come fix the issue and run tests, but thankfully we didn't need a new plane, so we were able to leave and they flew fast to make up for it.  

We landed with over an hour to make our next flight, but ran into more issues.  Our flight was is a different terminal and no one could tell us how to get there.  We wasted 30 mins while the help desk tried to convince us that China Southern didn't fly out of JFK...uh yes they do! Basically- we had to exit the airport, take an air train to the new terminal, check in with our international flight, go BACK through security, and get to our departing gate.

When we finally made it to check in we were informed that we were the last two people on the plane and our seats weren't together.  Thankfully, someone was moved and we did get to sit with eachother.  We also were personally escorted through security to our gate by a China southern employee since we were cutting it so close.  I'm not sure if we would have made it if they hadn't let us cut lines.

We got to the gate just in time to board and take off for China!  We had a nice tailwind so the flight took 16 hours- we got maybe 1 hour of sleep, watched three movies, talked, walked the aisles, and ate three meals of fried rice and chicken.  It was actually a very nice flight- just long and uncomfortable in those cramped seats.  It was also our first experience being the minority as everyone on the plane was Chinese and only a few flight attendants understood English.  We got to practice a bit of our limited mandarin and lots of gestures :)

When we landed we went through health security (temperature check), immigration, and customs.  Then we met our guide and driver who took us to our hotel- which was 5 miles away but took over an hour to reach in the city traffic!  Driving is crazy y'all...honking, swerving, slamming on breaks...quite an experience.

The hotel is gorgeous...comfy beds, cool A/C, amazing breakfast buffet.  

Today we shop for personal items and explore the city.  Tomorrow we meet up with the rest of the families flying in.  Sunday is paperwork day and then Monday we get Zachary!!!

I'll share more later.  Jet lag is hitting and off to sleep we go!

All Sons & Daughters - Spirit Speaks

We're listening to this on repeat.  Love!

Single Digits

We leave in less than a week!  I can't believe that we are about to fly to China to adopt our son.  I think back to a year ago, that late October day when we saw Zachary's face for the first time, and can't begin to fathom all that has happened to get us to this point.

And while I can hardly wait to throw my arms around our son, I am also hesitant and nervous.  I'm not quite ready to embrace the reality of his medical needs- not sure at all how that is going to play out.  Not sure if I can be enough for him. If there is enough of me to handle this.

And of course there is not- that's the whole point!  Time and time again God has shown us that in our weakness he will make us strong.  When we are out of our own resources, he shows up and carries us to the finish line.  He makes all the difference in this life- and He will make all the difference in Zachary's.

Here are some specific ways you can pray for us:

1. That we would be healthy for the trip (our family is still passing around various sickness).

2. That our flight would go smoothly, we would stay sane for the 17 hour flight and get some sleep, and land safely in China.  I pretty much hate flying.  I have some decent anxiety about this but have been giving it over to God. After the misery that was a flight to Hawaii, I swore I would never, ever fly anywhere that took more than 6 hour on a plane.  Well...obviously God has other, better plans!

3. That meeting Zachary would be as peaceful and calm as possible.  Zachary will be leaving everything he knows and taken by strangers (us).  This is traumatic and shocking.  Pray for him and for our attachment as a family!

4. For Zachary's health in China.  That he would get over any orphanage related illnesses and also be seizure free for our flight home.

5. That all our travel documents in China would be processed smoothly so we can leave for the US on time- our flight schedule is tight.

6.  For our children at home and the grandparents who are taking care of them.  Asher is so sad we are leaving, and Laurel will not understand.  Please pray for their hearts, their safety, and for comfort until we return home.  Also for this Mommy's heart as I can hardly bear to leave them :(

7.  For our flight home- that Zachary would sleep!  That he would be a good traveler and not scared to death.  That he would have peace.

8.  That our eyes would be open to the opportunity to share the Gospel.  We have a heart for China and missions, I look forward to how God willl speak to our hearts as we literally see the other side of the world.

Thank you for your prayers!  We are so grateful to everyone for your love and support of our family as we take on this huge God sized calling.  We are anxious and exited and nervous.  But above all, we are hopeful.  Hopeful for the future as we joyfully add to our family, and hopeful for Zachary.  This little boy who has lived almost 4 years without a family, will now have a place to call home.  

Finished Puzzle

Our finished puzzle has been sitting on a desk for months as I "looked for a frame"(bemoaned the fact that I couldn't find the right frame that would show both sides of an awkwardly shaped puzzle while in reality I was so consumed with every other part of this adoption process that I had no time or energy to actually look for one).

But alas, the paperwork is done.  All we have to do is get the house immaculate, survive preschool sickness overload, search and pay for the perfect international flight, pack a million items to support 2 adults, 1 child, and multiple orphanages, and somehow remain calm.

So I was able to search for the perfect frame and lo and behold,  I found what I was looking for at Jo Anne's for under $10 with a coupon.  Win!

Thank you to everyone who donated a puzzle piece, gave items for the yardsale, or donated funds to our yardsale.  All the yellow stars are for people who donated anonymously or paid for more puzzle pieces than people they indicated in their family.

This puzzle represents family, friends, and strangers. 

Thank you.

It's going up in Asher and Zachary's bedroom.  In just a few shorts weeks our new son will be sleeping in there too ❤️.

Praise God!

It is Well

Grander earth has quaked before
Moved by the sound of His voice
Seas that are shaken and stirred
Can be calmed and broken for my regard

Through it all, through it all
My eyes are on You
Through it all, through it all
It is well

Through it all, through it all
My eyes are on You
It is well with me

Far be it from me to not believe
Even when my eyes can’t see
And this mountain that’s in front of me
Will be thrown into the midst of the sea

So let go my soul and trust in Him
The waves and wind still know His name 

It is well with my soul
It is well with my soul
It is well with my soul
It is well with my soul

TA!!

We got TA yesterday and a confirmed consulate appt- we'll be leaving in a few weeks for China!

So excited!  Thank you Lord for bringing us this far!

Please pray that we can find the right flight- there are not a lot of options since it is so close and we're traveling during an international trade fair.

Also, our family has been sick non stop for the past month.  These last 2 weeks have been rough. It is one thing after another and we are just getting tired of it. Please pray for for our health and that we all would get back to normal and be 100% healthy as we head to China.

Can't wait to hop on that plane and meet Zachary!

Call Me!

I never made it to either of my due dates.  Asher was born 6 weeks early and Laurel came 3 weeks early after nearly two months of bed rest.

I remember the surprise of learning I was in labor with Asher, way too early.

I remember the feeling of laying in bed for weeks, praying that I could keep Laurel safe inside for another day.

Each situation that brought our children into the world had its own mixture of anxiety and anticipation.  Which is exactly where I find myself right now.

Waiting.  With anxiety and anticipation.  Knowing that the call could come at any moment that will set the rest of our lives into motion.

It is so hard to wait!  I feel like I'm on pins and needles, jumping every time the phone rings and it is not the call.  Ugh.  I'm checking my emails a hundred times a day.  Feeling a little insane over here, lol.

A watched phone never rings.

But please phone, please ring soon and tell us when we can come get Zachary.  

All Approved

Our Article 5 was picked up in China today.  The final stamp of approval has been given to indicate that all of our adoption paperwork and all of Zachary's paperwork is in order.

We are officially waiting for THE CALL.

The last batch of travel approvals took about 2 weeks- so in 14 days we should get the official invitation to come to China and get Zachary!

We are hoping to travel in exactly one month.  That is the first available travel date due to a super long National Chinese holiday coming up right as we anticipate getting travel approval.

The reality that we are so close fills me with a mixture of elation and anxiety.  Please pray for us- so much is about to happen- and soon.

We'll let you know when the call comes :)

Sliding into Fall

We love this time of year at our house.

The air starts to get that little bit of crispness, football occupies Saturdays, preschool begins and the kids start talking about Halloween costumes, pumpkin patches, and getting the Christmas tree.  
We just love all the holiday traditions and the fall season.  This year we hope to introduce Zachary to many family favorites!

Our article 5 is scheduled to be picked up the second week of September.  Because of Labor Day and a Chinese Holiday, our article 5 process will take almost 3 weeks instead of 14 days.  That is truly a bummer, but it is what it is.  

So, the second week of Sept. we will officially be waiting for travel approval.  THE CALL has been taking about 8-16 days right now for waiting families, so we should truly know in 2-3 weeks when we'll be leaving for China!

We are so so so excited.  It's all we are talking about.  Josh and I have nightly discussions about how best to pack our luggage, what we need to bring, and how to prepare for various scenarios.

We know all the flights into every major chinese airport and their arrival times and costs.

We are ready to go get our son.

Despite the holidays, there is still a good chance we will be going in mid October.  Things are getting booked up, so we'll wait and see what is available.  Please keep praying!  Truly want to be home before November, but we trust God's timing and rest in the fact that he knows exactly how it will all play out.

Abba

"Oh, to know God as Father…what a privilege! Just let it soak in for a minute. God. Your Father. Let this thought, this reality, this pleasure prompt and control you! And to know that this is possible because He has adopted you. Christian, He planned to adopt you, He pursued after you, and He has paid the price for you to become His child." - David Platt

Sweet "Zachy"

Look what arrived in our email yesterday.

Isn't he so cute?  Look at him standing!

It was a total surprise, but our agency asked for an update when our Article 5 was dropped off.  They didn't tell us, but surprised us with these 2 new pictures and updated measurements.

According to his measurements he is technically in 24m or maybe 2T clothing. He is 3.5 and weighs less and is also shorter than Laurel.

The subject line of the email said: here is your FINAL update.

Final one, guys.  Because the next time we see him we will be holding him in our arms!

We love you sweet Zachary, keep smiling, we're coming soon.